carving space: horse

i guess I'll start at the beginning
maybe the odds have always been stacked against us
maybe the real issue here is bigger than you or me
as in the road is already facing upward but like papi always told us

when you see a hill, sprint
face it head on

so tell me sis
you got your shoes ready?
we going where we haven't before
let’s make sure our laces are tight in case we need to run in another direction
i'm here for this
i might be a bit slow but our relationship is falling behind
i've been more preoccupied being everything else for everyone else yet i have no idea how to be your brother

we can start with the basics
my favorite color is purple
i see everything in 3's so its inherently my fav number but i actually don’t know which established itself first
i talk a lot
i have a fear that i'll be forgotten so i tend to live giving people reasons to always remember me
ka, how does papi's alzheimer's manifest in you?

transforming the block of wood with the jigsaw was hard only because the wood wouldn't stay still
as if it didn't want to part with what it's always known
if only it knew the potential i see in it to become someones favorite thing
how i have to play with it first before someone else can play with it
i guess you could say i had to trim the shadows
allow what is really there to come into the light

i wonder what were the shadows that blocked us from seeing each other, lil sis?
you always felt like a project
like too much work to see what is really there
i wonder if you know your own potential
i hope you see what is under all that hard
all that defense
maybe i helped in putting it there
helped in the build up
if you let me
lets carve some of that together

carving this horse is harder than i thought
i'm coming to understand the different tools
feeling the blade cutting with the grain
smooth splinters pool around my feet
i stand and a waterfall of wood chips dive towards the floor
while in my hands
i start to feel the wood take shape
i speak to it and it tells me to listen
i'm trying my best to learn its language
to recognize how much pressure to apply
how much of my own will do i impose?
how much of this is a collaboration?
how much of this is where i'm suppose to be?

I recognize the things you and i have in common
and how many of those things you may have picked up from me
i do not put past your own inclination to pick up what fits best in your hands
i do not pretend to know everything in your back pocket
it could be a result of me being the oldest
having to order things for papi
translate whatever our parents needed
maybe we all grew accustomed to talking first and asking questions after
maybe you grew accustomed to not having the space to use your own voice
maybe it's time i listen to you

i think i need to start coming to terms that this might not be a horse
its turning more into a gesture
more of a manifestation of intentional time
there is still more to do
I am far from giving up
i am just more forgiving of the disconnect of what it could have been to what it is becoming
its like i see where the attention needs to go in order to make it better
yet my attention goes somewhere else

the fact that we didn't hang out without our parents until my 31st birthday is shameful on my behalf
i'm sorry that we waiting so long
i'm sorry i haven’t kept up with the calling or texting since
i'm sorry that you've had to carry all this silence
i'm not going to make promises
i'm just going to show you that i can do better
that we can be better
we just have to start small
recognize where the attention needs to go and go there
together

the details
in the end its about the details
because its the details that bring it to life
i can say the head is too big
the neck not long enough
not enough space for the legs so i had to improvise
the tail ended up being a bit too flat
i can tell you
that i've always like the idea of being someone
who could work with wood to transform this everyday material into something that fits in someones home
i hope the horse understands
i'm giving it all i got

Karina
i think i have a poem for you in each of my notebooks
each of them saying some version of what i'm saying now
i've never shared them with you
i seem to never share enough with you
i've spent too much time creating a version of me for others to enjoy
i should have spent time with you being your brother
i'm confident with enough time and practice we could fit into each others homes